This past weekend we made the long drive up to Cleveland to visit Lisa's family. It is, possibly, the last chance we wil have to visit Lisa's grand-uncle (or is it great-uncle) Gordon. He is a cranky and funny old guy who is reached a point in his life where things pretty much all suck. I feel really bad for him and I am glad we were able to go visit. I wish, at this point in his life that we lived closer so we could spend a more time with him. He acts like it's all a pain in the ass but he clearly wanted to be with people and have them sit and chat with him (even if he can't hear you).
Anyway, I don't want to dwell on the sadness of Gordon's situation for this whole post - instead I want to direct you towards the humorous observations and comments by my daughters who are all too innocent (not that that is a bad thing) at times.
During the previous two weeks there we some visiting students from Hong Kong at the girls' school. A couple of the kids spent the time in each class thus Shannon and Emily each got to meet know at least two of the kids. One of the boys visiting with Shannon's class was explaining a bit about their life in Hong Kong and discussing the foods they like to eat. Here is how Shannon described what he told her:
We eat Fish Balls. Not actualy fish "balls" but fish rolled into balls.
We were driving up to Clevelend when Lisa told us this and Shannon's tone and delivery were spot on. We've never heard Shannon mention balls in that context before (or swear even) so we busted out laughing. Shannon didn't seem to understand what was so funny so I asked her if she knew what fish "balls" might be. She had no idea. I laughed a bit more because she said had repeated the kid in such a knowing way. I opted out of explaing the anatomy of a boy at that moment in time. Oddly enough a second opportunity presented itself on the drive home.
It turns out the girls really like to listen to and watch a silly video on youtube called "The Narwhal Song." Her it is. It's pretty odd and kind of funny. The key lyric for this song comes in at around the 27 second mark:
"Just don't let them touch your balls" Emily, of the two, understood from the animation that "balls" might be a human body part but had no idea what they were. So, out of the blue on the drive home she asks; "What body part is a ball?" Lisa was a bit taken aback and said, "What do you mean?" I am pretty sure she wanted to avoid the question.
I asked, "What context are you asking this in?" Because the singular ball left me wondering if I had heard her right. I had. She said, "In the narwhal song it says Just don't let them touch your balls." And of course she said it in a flat deadpan way that made us both bust out laughing.
Of course Lisa just had abdominal surgery so laughing is pretty painful for her but she couldn't stop. I was trying to drive safely but could barely keep my eyes open. I couldn't believe this song had that lyric hidden in it. I've heard them watching the video before and thought it was totally innocent. Clearly I hadn't listened closely enough. So I bit the bullet and decided I'd just explain what "balls" were.
Emily's reaction? "Do you have balls dad?" Lisa a laughed again - which was getting more and more dangerous for her becuase she also had to use the restroom - badly. I assured Emily that yes, all boys, the males of all mammal species, have balls but that they are technically called testicals. She didn't understand they were down yonder (she thought it was gross they were near a penis) so I had to then explain that they were the source of sperm; they were a seed factory. She laughed at that and the conversation then went on a strange tact to testicular cancer and finally to some cartoon they watch on PBS that had discussed chemotherapy before.
Balls by your penis wasn't the only gross thing Emily discovered this weekend though. Oh no. Lisa's dad had a copy of the SI Swimsuit issue (he has a subsription to the magazine). He tried to slyly hand it to me so his wife wouldn't see and of course Emily came right over to see what I was looking at. She saw the swimsuit of the girl on the cover and said "Eww, her swimsuit is way too small; it looks like mine" (she is a very small 8 year old). "She needs to wear a bigger suit." I then had to try and explain that girls bodies don't really look like the photos and that some digital artists actually change the bodies in the magazine using photoshop.
Then she discovered the cologne inserts in the magazine and fell in love. I don't wear cologne so this is probably the first time she has smelled any. She tore a page out and rubbed it on my neck and that wasn't enough so she rubbed it on her nose and proudly told everyone she now had a "boy perfume nose" She tucked the page in her little bag and whenever she couldn't smell it anymore she would rub it on her nose.
The next day I foolishly threw the page away. She was exceptionally disappointed in me so I had to go into the magazine and tear out a couple more pages for her. It turns out she wanted to make a poster out of the page she had. She likes the two new ones but they don't smell as good as the one I threw away. For a brief moment there I was a complete failure of a father.
She still has those two pages and I, in an unrelated event, have a sprained right ankle.
Shannon was given a pogo stick for her birthday (I'm sure you can see where this is going) and I foolishly tried it out. I had tried it at our house and couldn't really get it to bounce (I'm too fat I guess) and it hurt my knee. But, knowing I sucked at it and it hurt my knee didn't stop me from trying it again while were in Cleveland. I managed to "bounce" twice before come doing way off kilter on the third landing and wiping out backwards. I fell into lisa and on my ass and somehow twisted my ankle. I think I wanted Shannon to wear pads when she uses it now. That thing is dangerous. Of course she hasn't busted her ass yet but I suspect that it is only a matter of time. I lover her dearly but she has a history of being pretty clumsy and that pogo stick is pretty difficult. I think I'd at least like her to wear her bike helmet with it. Ok, so I'm a paranoid dad what of it? I mentioned it to her and, with a straight face, she said, "I'm not the one who fell." I'm glad she didn't. It hurt.
Shannon busting her ass wasn't the only thing that worried me this weekend. Last night, at the restaurant on the way home (a cool little brew pub in Marietta Ohio, The Marietta Brewing Company Emily noticed someone showing some "plumber crack" - ok more like an entire plumber ass - while we were eating. She was sitting opposite the table from us and said, "That guy needs to wear a belt, ewwwwwwwww!" pretty loudly. Lisa and I look over our shoulder and the offending person and we both busted out laughing again. I had tears in my eyes when the waitress arrived at the table and Shannon was laughing so loud other patrons were wondering what was going on. The waitress asked what could be so funny and I told her I couldn't say, it was inappropriate for me to repeat. She gracefully accepted that answer and finished doing whatever she was doing before moving on.
It took me a while to stop laughing and, of course, Emily loved the reaction so she kept making little comments. Lisa was in serious pain from laughing so hard which, sadly, just kept me laughing. Then Lisa tried to scold Shannon for laughing so loudly and I reminded her that Shannon was only 11 and that it was crazy to expect her to act like a 40 year old especially when the two 40 year olds at the table weren't acting any better which set Lisa off laughing some more.
Eventually we were able to recover our composure and finish our dinner. Lisa, couldn't leave well enough alone though so she snuck over to the waitress to explain the incident. The waitress got a good laugh and said she and the rest of the waitstaff had already reached the same conclusion that this guy needed a belt. I certainly wish he had worn one as I didn't really want my young daughters to see a hairy ass this early in their lives.
I kind of prefered their pre Cleveland trip innocence but they certainly gave me plenty to laugh about this weekend.